November 5, 2024

For a good time peel your eyeballs away from the election returns

Hello, it is I, your friend Christine. Sorry it’s been a while! But this should be hitting your inbox right as the edible you took to calm your election anxiety kicks in, so maybe you need a friendly face and a calming voice. In that case, I would suggest you open YouTube and search for Captain Kangaroo videos, or Tim Walz’s secret ASMR channel (if you find it let me know).

To be clear: I am not going to prognosticate about the election. Well, at least not beyond the dream I had Sunday night where I opened a bag of what I thought was Halloween candy but turned out to be mini individually wrapped Fancy Feasts. A portent for the childless cat ladies? Who knows. All I can say is: I learned my lesson from watching The Seventh Seal on Election Day 2016 and I’m superstitious about conjuring something unholy from the mouldering heart of our collective darkness like the bum behind Winkie’s Diner in Mulholland Drive. So like, let’s talk about something else.

Not prognosticating. The great and powerful Christina has NOT spoken.

Today was our annual open enrollment meeting at work so I want to take a moment to reassure you that, if you are afraid of socialism, we do not have that and will never have that in regards to healthcare. Rest easy! You will have the freedom to choose between a high deductible and a higher deductible for the foreseeable future. Hopefully your employer also has a voluntary plan you can opt into that will compensate 100% if your organs fail. Anyway my healthcare plan B at this point is smoking and cheeseburgering myself to death, or cracking my cyanide tooth after the election is called (wait! I said I wasn’t going to talk about that).

Norseland, Minnesota. This way to lutefisk!

OK, let’s talk about lutefisk instead. In Minnesota, there is a magical, fleeting time between Halloween and Thanksgiving, which is lutefisk and meatball season. That is when all the Lutheran churches acquire a literal ton of cod and boil it in lye until even your cats will no longer recognize it as fish, and serve it to you on a paper plate or plastic tray accompanied with meatballs, lingonberries, mashed potatoes, and lefse. Lutefisk was first described to me as unflavored fish jello but, given that I’ve been here 8 years, I feel like I’ve unlocked my lutefisk badge and can say the fish should retain some toothsomeness while acquiring a slight jiggle.

Uff da — I will not call out this church by name, but God saw that you substituted cranberry sauce for the lingonberries.

Let’s see, what have I been reading. Remember up above when I mentioned Captain Kangaroo? Well that is because I plucked Street Gang: The Complete History of Sesame Street wayyyy off the bottom of my to-read pile after Camilla roped me into watching the Wicked Witch episode, which apparently only aired once because it was too scary. Anyway there is a long tangent in the beginning of the book about early children’s television in America and if you want to read a story about Mr. Green Jeans taking a baby seal attack to the face, pick up Street Gang.

(Go ahead, just watch it, it can’t be any scarier than what you’re already watching.)

OK. I am going to go make myself sick on Tim Walz’s award-winning cookie salad now (just kidding, I’m not, I am the big dumdum who scheduled a blood draw for tomorrow morning, so no treats for me).

Anyway. Be decent to each other. Try not to doomscroll. Remember to floss.*

—CB

*I never floss.